How To Carve a Turkey, Bakura Style
by Toboe LoneWolf
Summary: Yep. Yami Bakura tells his...er...technique for carving a turkey. Sharp Pointy Object, anyone? [Oneshot]


LoneWolf16: Now this doesn't have to relate to Thanksgiving; but the idea came from it. Hey, you can eat turkeys year around, okay? …And well, since carving a turkey is such a traditional thing, I figured Bakura would have a very…interesting…way of carving a turkey.

Disclaimer: LoneWolf16 does not own YGO or Bakura's yami nature.

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How to Carve a Turkey, Bakura Style

First, make sure your turkey is raw. Now the problem these days is that all the turkeys come wrapped up in some Ra-damned plastic, are freakin' cold, and look as if all the blood has been sucked out of them. Real turkeys mean real meat, which means nice, warm, dripping red meat that's been freshly slaughtered. If the turkey presented to you is not, go get one.

If you need to get one, you want a live one. I've learned that they have some Ra-confounded thing called "turkey farms." Whatever, you just have to get one. I'm sure that you're all accomplished thieves by now, if not, refer to any of those wonderful thieving guides out there, written by me, of course.

Once you get the turkey, you have to kill it. That's easy. Just hold onto its body and chop off its head. Or you could summon a monster and let them use the turkey as target practice. I don't care, as long as the body stays more or less intact. Then you have to rip off its feathers. This is actually quite fun. Just grab a handful and pull it out. Forget finesse. If you want finesse, let your hikari do that.

Then after all the feathers are ripped off, you have to take out the guts. You can leave them in, but it's not as fun. Besides, having your hikari nearby while you cut open the turkey's belly and spill out its guts is positively delightful. You can even eat the guts right then and there, just to make your hikari squirm. Much fun. Lots of things can be done with raw guts, like plastering them all over the stupid Pharaoh's house or using them for missiles against the annoying hikari's relatives.

Once you're done with guts o' fun, assemble your tools--pan, skewer, Sharp Pointy Object.

Skewer the dead turkey upon some sort of stick thing and lift it onto the pan. Actually the pan is just to appease your hikari's squeamish tendencies, for some reason hikaris don't like blood dripping all over the place. But the pan _is_ a nice way to collect all that blood to drink.

After that, hack at the turkey with your Sharp Pointy Object. Various tactics may be used. If you prefer throwing knives, skewer the turkey into the wall and have fun. If using an ax, take the bundle of raw meat outside and do it on the sidewalk, where you won't hack up the table. There's nothing wrong with hacking up the table, but then wood slivers tend to get in the turkey and the turkey acquires a nasty, woody taste. Very bad.

If you're using your hikari's carving knives, make sure they are very sharp. Say you just want to carve the turkey to perfection. There _is_ perfection in slicing away the meat from the bones.

Remove the legs first. You don't really need knives for this one, just put one hand on the body and one hand on the leg and rip it off with a nice, twisting motion. Remove the puny wings the same way. Save those for your hikari.

Then slice down the turkey, cutting the turkey in half from head to butt. Rip open its rip cage. Dig out any extraneous guts and have more fun. If your hikari insists on stuffing, leave the guts in. If your hikari insists on other stuffing, though why the hell your hikari would want to when guts are perfectly fine, shove in whatever stuff your hikari offers. Though if your hikari actually wants to do it himself, growl and make sure it is known that the turkey is _Yours_.

After that, you can cut the rest of the meat in nice, big chunks. Taste as needed. Use the blood in the pan as a dip. Very tasty.

If, for some unknown reason, your hikari forces you to carve a _cooked_ turkey, Ra forbid, then things are a bit different.

Additional tools required are that long pointy fork, a bathtowel, those enormous oven mitts and bandages. You will be forced to use carving knives.

First, you have to take the turkey out of the Ra-cursed oven. Back in Egypt, we didn't have such confounded things, a fire was good enough and if you really wanted bread, you shoved it into a decent clay oven. Today, you have some Ra-confounded metal monster that burns you if you touch it. Thus the reason for the things called "oven mitts." Put on the "mitts" on your hand and carefully open what the hikaris call the "door." Then slide out the pan. Pick up the pan and put it on a table with a metal rack or cloth pads underneath. If, during the course of this process, the turkey happens to fall out, wrap the turkey in the bathtowel and pick it up and put it back in the pan. And if you happen to be injured in some way from the hot metal, that's what the bandages are for.

Now, take off the mitts and unwrap the turkey from the bathtowel, if needed. Stab the turkey with the long pointy fork tines. Take one of the knives and hack off the legs and wings. Place them on a plate.

Then you are entitled to some creative liberties. You may slash, hack, slice or in general mutilate the turkey in response to your hikari forcing you to carve cooked meat. Place all bits and pieces in a nice bowl for the people to eat while you get your own raw turkey.

There you go. How to carve a turkey, a la me. Now go and have a nice holiday.


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